Biological Clock
by MoonClaimed
Summary: She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues. Post-series. Manga as canon. Parental!RizaxElrics
1. Chapter 1

Summery: She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues. Post-series. Manga as canon.

* * *

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Riza Hawkeye lay in bed trying desperately to ignore…well, pretty much everything. The aching in her body, the horrible noise coming from the street outside, and—most especially—the wretched beams of sunlight that seemed intent on stabbing straight through her eye sockets to the tender gray matter beneath.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Riza Hawkeye—who had just turned thirty and had spent the better portion of the night before drinking enough to adequately commemorate the occasion—was just about ready to grovel to any likely deity for a hangover cure. _ Any_ hangover cure.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Riza didn't normally indulge in alcohol, and she was only just remembering the number one reason _why_. But when a woman turned thirty—thirty!—and was still not only unmarried but also forced to watch the love of her life flirt with anything that looked half-decent in a skirt on a daily bases, allowances could be made.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

She turned her face resolutely into the soft mercy of her pillow and dragged in a ragged breath.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

What did it matter, really? Thirty was just one more year; she was only one day older than she had been yesterday. Nothing had changed. Only outdated societal norms had any opinion on the big 'three-oh' and she had never followed anyone's standards but her own anyway.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Now if only she had had this epiphany yesterday—_before _she had condemned herself to the torment she was currently experiencing…

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Grudgingly she rolled to her feet and resolved to force as much water down her throat as she could stand—after all, it was a simple fact of life that if she wasn't in the office enforcing order with an iron fist (and a steel revolver) nothing got done.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

This resolution firmly in mind, she went about her morning routine, firmly dismissing the damn _pounding_ coursing through her whole body.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Dressed, washed, and sitting at her kitchen table—breakfast spread out before her—Riza was well on her way to pretending she was as bright eyed and bushy tailed as normal. Well, except for-

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

-The damn pounding of her heartbeat. She let out a ragged sigh and sank into the trivial comfort of her morning cup of coffee. Everything else she could ignore, but… She swore it had never been this bad before. Quite frankly, it didn't even feel like a heartbeat, it was more like-

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

When the truth came to her, Riza started so badly that she spilled her hot coffee down her front and didn't even notice. Because Riza had just realized that it wasn't _her heartbeat_ she was feeling, and she somehow doubted that this was caused by any hangover, no matter how bad. No.

Her uterus was ticking.

* * *

TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** To make sure this actually continues, it will now be a series of short scenes posted one or two at a time. I usually like chapter longer than that, but for this one the format just works better. Anyway, please enjoy!**  
**

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

* * *

"This is insane," Riza murmured to herself as she marched stiffly down the corridors of Central Headquarters. "There is no possibility that my uter…" She tightened her hand around the handle of her revolver and corrected, "That my_ body_ is behaving abnormally. It was only a momentary delusion brought on by overindulgence—"

Thump Thunk. Thump Thunk. Thump Thunk.

"—And stress." She nodded, "Yes, it was just stress." And she was perfectly willing to shoot the first person that claimed otherwise.

Expression carefully neutral and posture even straighter than normal, she approached the office door. And sighed in relief. Once she got inside, everything would go back to normal. She would have work to focus on and a job to do, just as she liked it.

It was all she needed. Really.

She saluted Falman as she entered the office—the only other member of the team diligent enough to arrive at the proper time.

She sat down at her desk, fingers drumming idly on her knees. First, she had to arrange the colonel's appointments for the day. Second, she had to—

Thump Thunk.

Had to…

Thump Thunk.

Oh, damn. This was just silly.

No. It was worse than that, actually. It was a waste of valuable time that she should be using for work. For planning out their next move. For taking care of Roy and the others.

Thump Thunk.

Well, it wasn't like the colonel ever actually got much work done, she thought with a sudden frown. In fact, nothing would get done in this office if she wasn't there to oversee the process. Normally she was proud of that. Of how much these men—her family—needed her. But suddenly…

Thump Thunk. Thump Thunk.

Falman approached her, with a folder in hand. "First Lieutenant, would you—"

"I don't even want children," she cut in.

"Yes, I—" The older man furrowed his brow, "…What?"

"And, what's more, my personal life is not open for discussion. And I hardly think it's an appropriate topic to broach with a superior officer, Second Lieutenant," She said firmly.

"Well, yes. I mean no. I mean," he paused and tried again, "I won't… do it again?" Falman responded hesitantly.

Hawkeye turned back to her paperwork dismissively, "See that you don't."

Falman stood blinking at her back for a moment before walking dazedly from the room. Coffee, he decided. He was definitely in need of coffee. Coffee just might help the world make sense again.

**TBC.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: IMPORTANT NOTE:** This takes place just after the manga ends. I realize I never said that flat-out before. Al has his body back, Ed is only down one limb, and Grumman is Fuhrer. And (this be the important bit) this story takes place in the time between the final battle and when Ed finishes sorting through the paperwork that'll let him retire.**  
**

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

* * *

The morning had continued as mornings tend to do. The rest of the men had eventually trickled in, each with a slightly worse excuse than the one before.

Except for Roy of course. He just wandered in late, gave her a brief salute, and tromped off to his office. As usual.

Thump. Thunk.

Sometime, Riza considered, she wanted to pistol-whip that man. That, or throw him to the floor and...

Well. With a brief effort, she shook off the thought and sank back into her work.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

Face twisted in a snarl, she deliberately set her pen back down. She just couldn't concentrate.

It was always the same. Day after day after day.

Thump. Thunk.

And it had been this way for years. And that had been fine. It had been more than fine. They had had a duty and a goal and a dream. And they weren't there yet...But weren't they close enough?

With Father defeated and Bradley out of office, hadn't they gotten to the point that she and Roy could stop _pretending? _She wanted more out of life than just this office.

She set her face down in her hands and groaned.

Across from her, Havoc glanced at the blonde and then around at the others in confusion. "_What's up with the Lieutenant?_" He mouthed.

Falman, clutching his forth cup of coffee, shook his head frantically.

And Havoc, a pragmatic man at heart, let it go.

Thump. Thunk.

She sighed. She might as well stop fretting. It all rested with Roy now—because she wasn't about to give up on him. It wasn't even a question of moving on. She had, very deliberately, devoted her life to Roy Mustang a long time ago and she wasn't about to change that.

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

But...maybe that didn't have to stop her? Who said she needed a man to make something of her life? She could...could...

It was a stupid thought, she consoled herself sadly. After all, it wasn't like there were children desperately in need of maternal guidance and support just _wandering around_ a military base—

_—On the other side of Headquarters_—

"_Brother, please! You need to rest! You're working way too hard, and I know your automail has been bothering you." Al, following at his brother's heels, went ignored by the boy marching, and occasionally limping, obstinately in front of him. "Have you even __**eaten**__ since lunch yesterday?" Alphonse wailed despairingly._

_Edward let out a tired sigh, "No, Al, but I really have to get this research—" The boy came up short before wheeling around and grasping his younger brother by the arms. "Did__** you**__ eat, Al?"_

_Al blinked, "Of course not, brother. I'm not going to abandon you when-"_

_Ed cut him off angrily, "Al, you can't go around skipping meals! You weigh like seventy pounds! We just got your body __**back**__ from the Gate, do you really want to lose it again already?"_

_Al pulled back, stung. But he regrouped quickly to snap, "__**I'm**__ not the one who's so calcium deficient that his little brother outgrew him at __**eight**__!"_

_Ed gasped, then narrowed his eyes and snarled, "Oh, you did __**not**__ just say that to me!"_

_Al narrowed his eyes. "I think I just did, brother."_

_The brothers stared each other down for a tense moment—before simultaneously lunging for the jugular._

_—Back at the Office—  
_

—And that's when a thought struck the Lieutenant—a wondrous, marvelous, _horrible_ thought—and Riza Hawkeye smiled.

Just then Fuery—calm, reliable, down-to-earth Fuery—came through the office door, took one look at the smile on his superior officer's face, and fled the room. Screaming.

Riza couldn't be bothered to notice.

**TBC.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Hey everyone! I hope you've enjoyed the story so far, but this chapter is a little change of pace. It's the first chapter without Riza. But don't worry, she'll be back next update with a flashback explaining what's got the Elrics so worried. =D

Hope you enjoy and please review!

* * *

"Mustang!" Came the horrified cry seconds before Edward and Alphonse came barreling through his office door with only the indignant squawks of his men to slow them down.

Luckily, the yelling had jerked him awake just in time. Wouldn't do to let the twerp catch him looking less than immaculately condescending. With his paten smirk firmly in place, drool safely wiped from his chin, he began, "Ah, Fullmetal—"

"Shut up and help us!" the boy demanded, pale and wide eyed and twitching like a feral animal.

Mustang froze for only a single instant, than snapped into action, pulling on his gloves and methodically checking points of entry for signs of threat. Voice deliberately calm, he said, "What is it? An uprising?"

He had known there would be trouble coming eventually after the overturn of the Fuhrer's regime, but to have Fullmetal and Alphonse this upset—

"What? No, you idiot!" Edward yelped before reaching out to shake the older man by the shoulders, "It's the Lieutenant!"

In one terrible moment, Roy felt his knees weaken and his vision tunnel. "The Lieutenant...? Wh-what happened?"

"She's finally snapped!" The boy shrieked.

Behind his hysterical sibling, Alphonse was pale and staring blankly at the floor. "I should have seen it coming," he muttered, "The poor woman's always under so much stress…"

And this, if nothing else, had Roy hesitantly calming to stare at the boys incredulously. "I'm…not sure I heard you there," the man said slowly, as one might to a easily offended grizzly bear.

"I said the Lieutenant is off her rocker! She's snapped, cracked like an egg!" The long-haired boy babbled, shifting nervously from foot to foot. His brother, ever the more practical of the pair, had already begun to barricade the door.

Roy blinked once, slowly. When the Elrics failed to either disappear into a heat shimmer or tap-dance out of the window—as they had been known to do in his odder dreams—he blinked again. "So," he said quietly, "What you're trying to tell me is that the First Lieutenant –_my_ First Lieutenant—has become...unstable?"

"We know it's hard to hear, sir, but we have to act while there's still time!" Alphonse said earnestly, before shifting his eyes back to stare at his small barricade nervously. He really wasn't strong enough to make a very effective barrier yet...

"Oh." The colonel nodded once, before snapping.

Ed yelped and jumped back from the gout of flame that erupted. "What the hell?"

Face thunderous, Mustang nevertheless kept his voice perfectly even. "I know you boys are going through a 'transitional period,' but that is no excuse to slander anyone, least of all First Lieutenant Hawkeye." He shook his head, "Get out of my office."

Ed flailed rapidly, "No, you don't understand! We—"

"I don't want to hear it," the colonel said, unmoved.

Al pushed at his brother's arm and begged, "But, sir—"

Roy turned around and sat back at his desk. "I might expect this from your brother, but I had expected better form _you_, Alphonse."

Al fisted his hands nervously, "But—"

"He's not gonna help!" Ed growled, "Let's get out of here and hide somewhere else." He dragged the younger boy to the window and climbed out, thus finally proving himself the monkey everyone always called him. Though one had to wonder how Alphonse managed a climb down three stories while using a crutch…

It was only later that Mustang would wonder at the fact that Fullmetal had let a comment like that go without protest. But by then it would be too late.

**TBC.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **This chapter is going to be a little...odd. I was going to go somewhere completely different with it, but then the beginning started out slow and I was trying to figure out how to fix it and...this happened. But hey, who ever said Riza was the only one with problems? XD**  
**

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Insanity follows.

* * *

Riza walked briskly through the halls. She was on a mission, and she wasn't about to fail.

She had been concerned for the boys before but now, after their odd reaction, that had evolved into full out worry.

**_—A Half Hour Previous—_**

_Riza's heart was in her throat. At least…she thought that was her heart she was hearing. But considering the last time…_

_Either way, Riza was nervous. But she knew deep in her bones that what she was doing was right. Still, she wasn't quite sure how to begin this conversation. But every time doubt started creeping up on her—_

_Thump. Thunk._

_—She reminded herself why what she was doing was right. The Elrics were in a very vulnerable position, alone, without even the Rockbells. They needed adults to help them adjust and keep them out of trouble._

_Riza slowed, brow creasing as it occurred to her that there was something a bit strange in that thought—_

_Thump. Thunk._

_—But shrugged it off. It couldn't be too important._

_When she finally found the Elrics, they were holed up in a nook at the back of an empty office. Edward was paging through the discharge protocols, determined to scrape every cent out of his military pension that he could. Alphonse was curled up next to his brother with his head resting on his crossed arms, dozing lightly._

_Riza paused, evaluating the pair. The boys really did look run down: Alphonse, of course, was thin as a rail and the knobs of his spine could be seen even through the fabric of his shirt. Edward looked better, except for the dark rings around his eyes and the disconcerting frailness obvious in his pale right arm. But despite all that, the boys looked happy. Content in a way she had never noticed was missing until she saw them like this._

_She didn't want the boys to lose that because the adults in their lives were too busy too pay attention._

_Firming herself, she made her way to the table. "Hello, Edward, Alphonse."_

_Alphonse blinked up at her and smiled sleepily, skin paper thin over his cheeks. "Good afternoon, Lieutenant." _

_There was a beat of silence where Edward failed to look up from his papers—and then Al elbowed him._

_"Hey!" Ed demanded, jerked back to reality, "What was that fo—Oh, hi, Hawkeye."_

_She clenched and unclenched her hands, for her a flashing, neon sign of how uncomfortable she was. "I have something I wanted to talk to you boys about," she said finally. Al sat up straighter and focused on the woman while Ed cocked his head expectantly. "I've been thinking that you two shouldn't be by yourselves right now." She hurried on, "At least until Alphonse is feeling up to taking the train all the way back to Risembool."_

_"Uh," Ed glanced at Al and then back to the blonde woman, "Thanks for the concern, but I think we're okay."_

_Riza frowned. She knew they'd say that. But she had come prepared._

_Reaching into her pocket, she started the negotiations, "I can't dismiss this that easily, boys. I'm worried for your well-being." She offered, "Why don't we talk about it a little?" And with that she pulled out the chocolate bar that had been hiding in her pocket._

_She had had a harsh childhood and didn't know much about teenagers, but the one thing she thought she had right was that they liked candy. Besides, she had **watched** Edward eat before and Alphonse had spent half the time he was trapped in armor dreaming about what he would eat once he got out. If she needed a bribe, she figured there was no better than a chocolate bar.  
_

_But the Elrics froze at the sight of it.  
_

_Here it should be noted that the Elrics were a rather odd pair of boys. Obvious yes, but it sometimes showed itself in unexpected ways._

_For instance, the Elrics had been cavorting around the country unsupervised since they were pre-teens. In that time they had confronted charlatans, armed burglars, serial killers, terrorists, and the military itself. Each brother had gotten kidnapped at least half a dozen times, only to laugh loudly in their captors faces. From this reckless behavior, you would think their mother had never introduced them to the concept of "stranger danger."_

_You'd be wrong. Unfortunately. Because she had, but the boys hadn't integrated the concept the way most children do.  
_

_Edward, precocious as he was, had been in the concrete-thinking phase—a normal developmental stage in which children take words at their literal value. And little Edward, told of the horrors of anyone but Mommy giving him candy, was scarred for life. In a very specific way._

_To put it bluntly, he was convinced that anyone offering candy was a lethal and immediate threat, in a way needles would never be. And Al, who had heard the retelling from his big brother was, if anything, worse._

_But the Elrics were teenagers now, and this was Hawkeye. Phobia or not, kicking her and screaming for an adult the way their mom had told them to didn't make much sense. _

_Well...kicking her didn't._

_Instead, the boys stared from the lieutenant's hopeful expression to the chocolate in her hands, and booked it._

_As the Elrics ran off shrieking, papers fluttering to the ground in their wake, Hawkeye slowly lowered her hand. That...could have gone better._

_Thump. thunk. Thump. Thunk._

_Actually, that was _much_ worse than she had thought. Those boys needed real help. Maybe more than she could realistically give..._

_Thump. thunk._

_Alone._

_Riza, she realized slowly, needed reinforcements._

**_TBC._**

* * *

**A/N: **Like I said, this is FMA. There is _no way_ Riza is the only one with problems. :D She actually came into this somewhat rational. Let me tell you, that won't hold up for long.

I think the transition was a little awkward, but I tried. Please tell me what you think, even if it's bad-especially if you have any ideas as to how I could improve it.

Do you guys like the direction this is going? And I'd be interested to know (as a few people have mentioned it) how many of you came into this story thinking it was EdXRiza?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Hey guys, sorry for the late update. I had my first test of the semester yesterday (already!) and I just didn't get enough done. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this installment!**  
**

* * *

"...What did you just say, ma'am?" Second Lieutenant Maria Ross asked blankly.

Riza shifted and looked away, her only admission of nervousness.

She had sought out the older woman to ask for her opinion_—_there really weren't many female personal around for her to consult. Schezica wouldn't know anything about children except from rote and Rebbecca...was wholly inappropriate. She didn't know Ross that well, but she was desperate. But maybe she should_—_

Thump. Thunk.

"Those boys need help!"

Exactly, Riza thought, the boys needed_—_Wait. That hadn't been _her._..

Startled, Riza looked back at the other woman to see her fist clenched and her face bright with determination. "You're absolutely right, Ma'am. Those boys are bright and growing up fast, but they're still children."

The brunette's eye twitched, remembering the first time she had met the Elrics and how they had nearly gotten themselves killed. And blown up a building. "And," She continued, "they rush into things they're not ready for without thinking."

But then she shook her head, "But...chocolate? Really, Ma'am?"

Riza nodded solemnly.

* * *

"Let's just get off the base, brother!" Alphonse begged.

Ed, peering through the bushes at the edge lawn, shook his head. "No can do, Al. I need to get that paperwork done and..."

When it became apparent his brother wasn't going to continue, Al sighed, "You dropped it in the office when we ran, didn't you?"

"...Maybe."

Al hung his head. _This_ is what he had to put up with.

After a few seconds, he straightened up and carefully rearranged his legs and cane to prepare himself to stand. He got halfway up before Edward grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him back down.

Ed, ignoring Al's squawk of protest and hugging his brother's head to his chest, glanced back and forth suspiciously.

"What the hell are you doing, Al?" Ed demanded in a hiss, "She could have seen you!"

"You're the one who said we had to go back in," Al gripped, voice muffled by the fabric of Ed's shirt."What are we supposed to do? We can't just stay in the bushes all day!"

When Ed failed to answer, Al rolled his eyes and struggled to wrestle free of the other's grip. He settled himself back down and thought for a minute. Finally he said, "We're pretty much doomed, aren't we?"

"No we're not! Just let me think for a minute." Ed narrowed his eyes in thought, then looked up with a wide grin. "Okay, I have an idea! Let's put a hit out on the Colonel to distract Hawkeye."

Al paused, "...That the best you've got?"

"Yup," Ed admitted.

"...I think I know a guy."

* * *

**A/N:** Another question for you guys: Would you rather have the story continued like this (A 500-900 word chapter every week) or have chapters roughly twice the length every two weeks? I'm not sure which would be better so I'd really like to hear what your guys think.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Hello, everybody! As a side note, I've never actually written a story like this before. Usually my stories are thoroughly (and I mean extensively and meticulously) planned out before I ever get around to actually writing them. This one? This one I tend to write scraps of between classes and rush through on Wednesday. Barely any planning and (considering I'm edit-crazy) a bare minimum of editing.

I...don't really know how I feel about that. I'm half proud of myself for keeping up the pace (The whole obsessive planning bit is why all my stories tend to either be oneshots or take for-freaking-ever), and half...I don't know. I like more time to re-read it. That's part of why I'm thinking about going to an update every two weeks. That's still really fast for me, but the pace isn't quite so breakneck.

And yes, I realize I just said that ~900 words a week is breakneck speed. For me (and this is sad) it really is.

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

* * *

Al sighed as he exited the phone-booth. Edward, still hopeful despite Al's expression, demanded, "Well?"

The younger boy shook his head sadly. "Frank says it's a no go. Apparently he's got another job out west and can't get back before next week."

Ed groaned, "That's way too long! We'll be goners by then."

"He did offer me a discount though," Alphonse put in brightly, "on account of the delay."

Ed shook his head, "Yeah, but we need to call this hit in _now_. If we do it next week, there's no _point_—"

"But it's a really good deal, brother!"

Edward stared at his little brother for a long minute. "You know, Al... I'm starting to think it wasn't such a good idea for you to hang out in all those bars after I went to sleep."

Al shrugged. He'd needed to do _something_ for the long hours while the other slept while he was in armor, and in most of the towns they past through if there was anything open into the small hours of the night, it was a bar. Besides, "I met interesting people."

"Yeah," Ed crossed his arms, "that's the problem."

* * *

The search for the Elrics hadn't been going well. Or going at all really. After checking the library, the dorms, the less commonly used offices, and the cafeteria, the two women were at a loss of where to look next. But some help wouldn't be unwarranted, so off the two went.

"Sir," Riza saluted as she stood in front of Mustang's desk, "have you seen the Elrics today?"

"I have," Roy said briskly, not quite over the irritation they had caused by slandering his lieutenant earlier, "I'd leave them be for now, though. They were acting oddly."

Riza and Ross glanced at each other then looked back to the man. "Oddly, sir?"

When he failed to comment, the blonde pressed, "Sir, it's really rather pressing. Do you know where they went?"

Roy rolled his eyes, "I'm afraid not. I lost track of them when they climbed out the window."

"The window?" Ross said, blank faced. "As in _this_ window?"

"That would be the one."

The brunette looked at the window then back to the colonel uncertainly, "But this is the third floor."

"I'm aware. I hope they were."

There was a beat of silence. And then, simultaneously, the women rushed to the window and scanned the ground underneath, as if expecting to find the boys' mangled bodies.

* * *

Janitor's closets, as a general rule, are not places that teenaged boys want to spend a great deal of time. Besides the fact that they are small and cramped and dark, they tend to smell of ammonia and have brooms just waiting to poke an unwary body in any number of unsavory places. Even worse, they are filled with cleaning supplies, which tends to bring to mind...well, cleaning.

Altogether, the collective teen male mind decided, somewhere to avoid—unless in the presence of a pretty girl.

But the Elrics, it has been noted, were not ordinary boys. First of all, neither would much like a girl to join them in a closet—if it were suggested to them Edward just wouldn't pick up on the innuendo for several awkward minutes and then, once it hit him, devolve into a red faced, incoherent mess while Alphonse would just stare at you blandly until you realized what a small and petty person you really were and left. And furthermore, they were quite entertained in the closet all by themselves.

As a hint: It was not because they loved to disinfect.

But they did adore cleaning supplies—for an entirely teen-boy-approved reason. For you see, when one was an alchemist...any number of such supplies was _explosive._

Sharing an evil grin, the boys got down to business.**_  
_**

**_TBC._**

* * *

**A/N:** In the next chapter things _explode_. It least if you're good. XD

Also, would anyone be interested in reading the story of Alphonse-the-eleven-year-old wandering into a skeevy bar?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Hi everybody! Here's another chapter, I hope you enjoy it!**  
**

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

**Last Chapter:** For you see, when one was an alchemist...any number of such supplies were _explosive._ Sharing an evil grin, the boys got down to business.**_  
_**

* * *

The Elrics had had to work carefully to set up the ambush sight, moving with a caution most would think completely beyond them. Or...at least beyond Edward. But this was important—and dangerous—so they took every step with care.

Even though they didn't _really_ want to blow the lieutenant up. But they figured a few blasts would discourage her, she'd go home for the day, at they'd be all clear! It _seemed_ like a solid plan, at least.

"Do you really think this will work, brother?" Al asked, eyeing the set up warily as he finished setting the last fuse.

"Of course it will!" Ed said with a proud grin, taking in their work, "There's no way this won't take 'em down."

"Well, _yeah_." Al said, rolling his eyes. "This would slow anyone down."

"Anyone and a _tank!_" Edward enthused gleefully.

"Yeah, but I didn't mean it that way." The younger boy corrected, "I meant, what are the chances that we kill some random passerby?"

"...Oh," Ed bit his lip.

"So, likely then?" Al inferred, with a stubborn look coming over his face.

"Maybe. But the real question is," Ed said carefully, "is that risk worth it?"

Alphonse paused and cocked his head to the side in thought, "Hmmm..."

Yes, the brothers eventually decided, it _was._

Unfortunately, they had underestimated their adversary.

* * *

_—Twenty Minutes Later—_

* * *

Lightly ruffled, hair softly mussed, Hawkeye entered the office. Just behind her, Ross looked ever so slightly singed. But far from seeming humorous, the mad glint in her eye combined with the coiling scent of burnt hair only made her more terrifying.

The men, very carefully, stayed out of their way. Breda quietly sunk under his desk and stayed there.

Walking briskly, the blonde woman crossed the room to stand at the doorway of Colonel Mustang's private office. She saluted sharply. "Sir," Hawkeye reported evenly, "I believe a minefield has been erected in the lobby."

"And the second floor hallway," Ross volunteered from her spot against the far wall.

Havoc whimpered.

"And all the staircases in the west wing," the first lieutenant added.

"And the third floor ladies' room."

Mustang looked from one woman to the other, hiding his panic enviably well. "Is...is that so?"

"Yes," Hawkeye nodded, "And it's against regulation, sir."

Mustang worked his mouth silently for a few seconds before stuttering out, "I'll...get right on that, shall I?"

* * *

The Elrics weren't taking it as calmly. They had stationed themselves in the hedges outside of headquarters so that they could watch their enemies' movements—and had been horrified. By the time the two lieutenants had made it half way passed, the boys had hightailed it retreated to the safest hiding spot they could find. It was cramped and dark, but they both fit and that's all that really mattered at that point.

"How did that happen?" Ed demanded shrilly, trying but mostly failing to keep his voice a whisper. "Really. _How the hell did that happen?_" He ignored the faint echo.

"I don't know," Al gasped, "But you are _crushing my spleen_."

"Stop complaining about your spleen at a time like this!" the older brother snapped.

"I could _hemorrhage and die_, brother!"

"Keep it down!" Edward shrieked, straightening up only to bash his head on the low ceiling, "Didn't you _see_ that?"

And that, at last, quieted Alphonse down. Because he _had_ seen it. He had watched as two normal women—exemplary soldiers yes, but _normal_ women—calmly and systematically maneuvered through a veritable deathtrap of hazardous chemicals and explosive-rigged booby-traps.

Admittedly the Elrics had gone a _little_ easy on the lethality of the whole thing—it wasn't Hawkeye's fault she had snapped after all—but they hadn't gone _that_ easy. That just shouldn't have happened.

Ed slowly curled in on himself. He hugged his knees to his chest and stared blankly at his feet as he remembered the whole terrible ordeal. "Dear God, what do we do now?" he asked, voice bleak.

Al rested his head on Ed's shoulder and reminded blankly, "We're atheists, brother."

"I think maybe we should reconsider," Ed mumbled, "On the off chance it'll help."

* * *

Well across the city, in a run down motel with mold in the foundation and stale sheets but satisfyingly few cockroaches, a man named Richard Whital received a call from an old friend.

The two had been brought up together, nearly brothers to their minds, and Richard was known to help the other out when business got tough. Now, Richard wasn't quite as good as his older friend. He didn't take pride in his work the same way and felt that a job was just a job. Had to make a living somehow, right?

That was the way Richard lived his life. He didn't get excited about much, tended to just take things as they came. He was a simple man and liked simple things. Walks in the park, a good smoke, a beer with a friend.

And kids. If he could ever find a woman that would have him, Richard had always fancied he'd make a good father. Dependable, that's what he was.

So when Frank called and said he had a job he didn't think he couldn't get to, but that it was a favor for someone he knew—a real sweet kid, Frank assured—Richard didn't have a problem with lending a hand.

**TBC.**

* * *

**A/N: **Hey, sorry for the delay. I've just had a lot of work lately and I couldn't figure out how to set this part up. I hope you enjoyed it anyway! More to come. :)

**P.S.** So...Anyone remembers Frank?**  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Hello again everybody! Thanks for sticking with me this long. =D**  
**

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

* * *

Lieutenants Hawkeye and Ross sat quietly in the mess hall, the normally loud atmosphere muted around the pair. Maria cradled a cup of lukewarm coffee in both hands, but Riza had long ago decided that she had a strict limit of four cups a day—after that she started getting jittery and no one thought of a jittery sniper as a good thing.

It least not since the Incident with Warrant Officer Lowens. Poor man.

But, well, that's what workman's compensation was for.

But now was hardly the time to eat anyway. Not until they had planned out there next actions. And there was something decidedly odd going on around the base... For one, Riza didn't remember getting the Colonel to sign any paperwork that would have permitted the installation of a battle-stimulation obstacle course inside of headquarters. And if Falman had put the paperwork through he would have informed her with the standard three days notice.

In any case, that kind of set up wasn't safe to have around when there were children at the base. Alphonse might have wandered into it—and though she had no doubt he could have normally worked his way through just fine, in his condition it wasn't advisable. Why, he could have tripped one of the explosives with his cane. Or overbalanced on one of the trickier hurdles.

Really. Men never _thought_ of these things, did they?

Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk.

And where _were_ those boys anyway? The lieutenants hadn't been able to find hide nor hair of either Elric for hours.

* * *

_—With the Elrics—_

Ed and Al sat very quietly, stuffed uncomfortably close to each other, trying to think of their next move. They weren't coming up with much.

At least they had a safe place to hide in the meantime. Though it was a little awkward—especially for Alphonse.

Right, right. First a bit of a story.

Back on the Promised Day, after the battle was won and the Elrics had huddled together celebrating as energetically as they were physically able to, a thought had occurred to them.

What, exactly, were they supposed to do with Alphonse's armor? It seemed wrong to leave it scattered on the battlefield—like leaving a comrade in the dirt.

While the Elrics had hemmed and hawed over the problem, Mustang had wandered over with Hawkeye's help. He'd stared blearily in the general direction of the heap of metal for several seconds—before smirking and snapping his fingers.

And in a surprise twist, instead of anything bursting into flame, several soldiers from Eastern Command had scurried over, gathered the bits of metal and leather, and disappeared. And that was the last the boys had seen of Alphonse's armor—at least until they had come back to East Command.

Then—well, then Edward had fainted. It was quietly agreed that is was a mild reaction, and they should all just be grateful and never bring it up again. At least, not if the soldier involved didn't have a death wish.

On that day Edward had left Alphonse in the hospital long enough to come for a quick visit and check in and—not that he'd ever admit it—make sure the Bastard was alright. But as soon as he walked in the door—

Well, Al was there. In his armor.

That was about the time all color had drained from the boy's face and his head had hit the linoleum.

To be fair, when Breda had suggested propping the damaged armor up in the corner of the room—positioned with one leg crossed over the other and gauntlets supporting an open newspaper—he really hadn't thought of how Ed would take it.

Long story short, they quietly moved the armor into an little-used meeting room on the second floor, and carried on. Though now it was set up in front of a chess set, pieces carefully arranged mid-game.

But none of that was important now. What mattered _now_ was that it gave the brothers the perfect place to hide. Even if there was a lot less room in there than Ed remembered...

* * *

Richard leaned back against the railing of the roof he was seated on, enjoying the sunshine on his face. With a content sigh, he unwrapped his sandwich—turkey and tomato on rye, just a hint of mayo—and took a bite.

He loved days like today, he thought as he took a gulp of orange juice. And with a job to do, he even had a reason to get out of the apartment a little.

When he had finished his lunch and tossed the wrapper lightly into a trashcan strategically located over the side of the building, he whipped his hands on his jeans and got down to business.

Keeping himself close to the surface of the roof, he carefully pulled his bag over to him and pulled out Laurance, his trusty partner on these little trips.

With a deft hand he assembled his old friend, rolled over onto his stomach to peer carefully into the building across the way—the third story of Eastern Headquarters as chance would have it—and grinned lightly.

And then he lined up his shot on the back of a black-haired head.

**TBC.**

* * *

**A/N:** So, everybody remember Frank now? XD

I'd really like to know how you guys feel about Richard. He is, believe it or not, one of my very first OCs. And considering how long I've been writing fanfiction, that's kinda sad. :P


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: **Sorry for the long delay. I had two big midterms and a practical from hell. Point of interest—If I failed my practical I get kicked out of my program for a year. Wish me luck!

Also, I don't think I'll be able to update in November as I'll be participating in Nanowrimo. (It's a great experience, and I'd suggest everyone give it a try). That's also why this chapter is short. I'm getting out what I can before I'm buried under a heaping pile of original fiction (can you hear the screaming?). It's possible I'll manage an update or two, but no promises. Sorry guys. :(

Summery: She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

* * *

Roy sighed and rested his chin in his palm as he stared down at the latest form waiting to be filled out, then let his eyes trail dejectedly to the small mountain piled in his in-box.

It was staring at him. He was sure of it.

"What did I do to deserve this?" He whined sadly to himself.

"I think that would be the whole 'decided to take over the world' thing, boss," Havoc drawled as he pushed the door open with his elbow.

"Only the country!" Mustang protested lightly before asking, "But why the visit?"

The blond man hefted the stack of paper in his arms. "Delivery!" He sang brightly as he crossed the room and plopped the papers on top of those already in the in-box. They tottered there for a second, gallantly fighting to hold their ground, before they finally bowed to the odds and quietly toppled off the side of the desk and onto the floor.

Roy stared for a minute. "Kill me now," he moaned piteously as his head dropped to the desk.

And then the window exploded in a shower of glass.

* * *

"Well, shit," Richard cursed, pulling back from his scope to peer at the scene taking place through the window. There was paper flying everywhere and what was left of the cracked glass impeded his view, but he knew he had missed—damned bastard moved at the last second!—and it was dead silent in there. A sure sign the soldiers inside had taken cover.

He mussed his hair in aggravation. He didn't think he was going to get another good shot now—The target was military for a reason after all.

Best to get moving...

* * *

"Boss!" Havoc hissed from his position crouched behind the desk, pistol already out of its holster and ready for action, "You alright?"

The colonel smiled grimly from where he had pressed himself against the wall under the window, carefully out of view, "That's one way to get out of paperwork."

"I don't know," Havoc said as he slunk slowly toward the edge of the desk to peer out the window, "I don't think the Lieutenant will let you get off because of a little assassination attempt."

"A man can dream," Roy sighed, eyes incongruously hard. As Havoc made to stand and get a shot off, Roy waved him down, raised a single hand above the windowsill, and snapped.

* * *

The gout of flame that bellowed from the third story military office engulfed the roof across the way. It flared hot and bright for several long seconds before petering out, leaving only scorched ash behind. Anything living up there wasn't anymore.

So it was a good thing Richard knew when to make with the get-away, he thought contentedly as he stared up at the flaming wreckage and tore open his bag of chips. Garlic flavor, his favorite.

"That's what second attempts are for," Richard mused before turning on his heel and walking down the road. He could really go for a soda about now...**  
**

**TBC.**

* * *

**A/N:** See you in December! Oh yes, and **HAPPY HALLOWEEN! ** (^.^)


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **You know how I was going to update again in December? Yeah, funny story about that...

It goes like this: I forgot about finals. Yeah, go back and read that again. I _forgot_ about finals and how updating just wasn't gonna happen. And then...then I hit ye old writer's block, my old friend. But it's here now, right? (Please say right...)

And everyone say thanks to Annakratos for beta-ing! (Love ya, babe!)

**Summery:** She would wait for Roy for as long as he needed, but that didn't mean Riza couldn't do something in the meantime… Riza Hawkeye turns thirty. Horror ensues.

* * *

**—Just before the shooting—**

In a crowded office across the compound, the Elrics were having problems of their own.

Ed, after spending nearly forty-five minutes in line to turn in his finally completed paperwork—which had been daringly nabbed from its resting place in Hawkeye infested territory, was experiencing some problems.

"What do you _mean_ you won't take it?" The teen prodigy demanded, expression trapped at some terrible midpoint between horror and rage. Behind him, Alphonse fretted quietly.

The secretary manning the window—and boy was she regretting taking this shift now—quietly decided she was inordinately glad for the bulletproof glass that separated them, though she met his half-crazed eyes with a commendably straight face. "I'm sorry, sir," She repeated for the fourth time in as many minutes, "but those forms have to be filed with your CO in triplicate before I can accept a signed copy."

Ed met the woman's eyes as though she had told him to march himself out to the gallows. He tried to make her understand, "But that's the _Bastard_."

"Major Elric," the woman sighed, reaching up to rub her aching temple, "Colonel Mustang is not that bad—"

"I don't care about _him_," the young man yelped, "I mean _Hawkeye_ will be there!"

The woman pulled back in surprise, then narrowed her eyes at the teen. First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was a shining example of efficiency and devotion to duty, and something of a role model to many of the younger women on base. "What did you do to get First Lieutenant Hawkeye angry with you?" she demanded suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Ed cried, hands gripping his head in frustrated horror. "She's just _snapped!_"

"Really," the woman said flatly.

"Yes!" Ed yelped. "I can't even believe it. She tried to—"

"Major," the woman cut in angrily, "you should be _ashamed_ of yourself for spreading rumors like that about the Lieutenant." With that, the blinds behind the glass separating the Elrics from the woman closed with a snap. A second later the_ Open_ sign was flipped to _Closed_.

The brothers stared at the space where the office worker used to be for a long moment.

Ed slowly lowered his hands from his hair before letting his shoulders sag. "Why won't anyone _believe_ me?"

Al shook his head. "Brother," he said, clapping the older boy on the shoulder, "Be serious. Would_ you_ believe you?"

* * *

**—After the shooting—**

Riza, deeply lost in her own thoughts, bit her lip as she dodged around people automatically on her way back to the office. The Elrics had been unusually quiet for the last few hours. She hadn't heard even one explosion since the oddly placed obstacle course earlier that day. Although...there did seem to be something a little off around headquarters—

_Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk._

"Code Red," the loudspeakers blared in a soothing female voice, "I repeat, Code Red. We are under attack. All personnel report to—"

Pelting down the hallway at the point of his squad's attack formation, a Sergeant demanded, "Where the hell is the heavy artillery?"

_Thump. Thunk. Thump. Thunk._

Riza pointed absently in the proper direction to the man's inquiry before shrugged the feeling off. It couldn't be that important.

But when Riza finally made her way through the unusually crowded halls and pushed her way through the office door, she was hit by the feeling that she _had_ missed something. Brow furrowed in confusion and growing annoyance, she studied the haphazard stacks of discarded paperwork on the floor, the rushed fortifications of overturned desks and tables, the roughly boarded up window through which only the barest streaks of sunlight made their way through.

And the three guns and one pair of gloved hands—posed to snap—pointed in her direction.

Riza and the men stared at each other for a long, awkward minute before the first lieutenant sighed and shook her head. "I can't leave you boys alone for twenty minutes at a stretch, can I?"

"Hey!" Breda protested, "That's unfair. We can hold down the fort just fine."

Riza slanted him a look, one eyebrow raised.

Breda opened his mouth, then closed it and sheepishly lowered his gun.

**TBC.**

* * *

**A/N: **Hey guys, I've noticed this story hasn't really been getting a lot of attention. I have a few other stories I'm working on (Rurouni Kenshin, Rurouni Kenshin-Naruto crossover, FMA, FMA-HP crossover, Hetalia). Would you rather I switch gears for now and work on something new and update this irregularly, or should I keep on top of this one?**  
**


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